The worst feeling..

You know what the saddest feeling in the world is?  Knowing that you can't go back in time to change the past and, at the same time, not wanting to do anything to move forward from it.  Being stuck in a time warp, where time doesn't really seem to move forward, and the only way you realize anything is moving is because others are.  Not knowing how to move on, even if you wanted to.  But, you don't want to.  Wondering genuinely how others can.  Does it mean that when you move on, the past didn't matter?  Hopefully not.  There's no nobility in holding on.  It just drags your heart and mind down.  Most people know this.  But some people just like to wallow in eternal self-pity.

Paris, oui oui!

Bonjour, all!

I'm mostly sure nobody reads this blog anymore, which is kind of good because I haven't written in so long for the simple fact that I wanted to keep this blog for JUST crafts.  Since I'm breaking that rule, nobody will be disappointed.  :)  yay me!

In 2.5 weeks I will be leaving to go on a trip to Paris.  Alone.  By myself.   Without anybody by my side.  Wow, sounds scarier when you drag it out like that. 

I'm excited in the sense that I've always wanted to go to Paris, and I imagine it to be such a magical place; bakeries, old charming buildings, history, croissants... :)  The only problem is that, I've never really done anything on my own before.  Technically, there isn't anything wrong with that.  For me, however, it is a problem because I have a very big fear of being alone.  I can barely go shopping on my own and I have yet to psychoanalyze why that is.

Some people are perfectly fine with traveling alone, going to the movies alone, etc.  I am not one of those people.  I enjoy having someone by my side.  Being able to share things with someone else, to have conversation and share an experience; it makes my heart happy.   But, especially in light of my inability to buy a t-shirt alone, I do desire to find comfort in being, and spending alone time, with myself.  Nobody around to disappoint me.  Nobody to have to coordinate schedules with or have to prioritize sights to see for.  I can do whatever my heart desires.  Ack, I'm scared.

I once read a story about Gwyneth Paltrow and her father taking her to Paris when she was 10 years old.  When they were there he told her that he "wanted [her] to see Paris for the first time with a man who would always love [her], no matter what."  What a great father.  What a great man.  I think within that quote lies my reason for wanting to do this.  I've never looked out for myself very much, I like to please others and I get my happiness from that.  In the end though, when nobody else is around, when people you thought would be there for you have vanished, the person left is you.

Happiness lies in your own hands.  (Note to self: repeat ten times in order to believe it).  I know it's true, but I haven't gotten there just yet.  Maybe I will start with this trip...

picture courtesy of my favourite blog, Oh Happy Day!

I can't wait.

You ruined me

 

The Adjustment Bureau, just watched it.  Matt Damon and Emily Blunt.  New York.  Their undying love for each other.  Perhaps unrealistic...but still sweet, and interesting concept.    

Elise: I'm not some hopeless romantic. I would never allow myself to be that way, but once I felt, even for a moment, what I felt with you... You ruined me. I didn't want to settle for less.

David: I know the feeling. 

Elise: It scares the shit out of me. 

David: I'm not going to hurt you

Elise: You don't have to say that

David: I'm not going to hurt you

That's a quote from one scene that really grabbed me.  One of the last scenes was particularly heart tugging, while they were in the washroom before she was supposed to get married, she was so hurt by him, it was such an honest moment.  Anyway, I liked it.  Love story wrapped in an Action/Fantasy movie.