Christmas. A time for family and friends and loved ones to get together and be merry. I don't celebrate Christmas anymore, but it used to always be my favourite time of year.
This year, I've taken stock and realized just how alone I am. Yes, I have friends, I have family, but, I don't have a closeness with anyone. I think everyone measures that differently. But, I am more of an emotionally-inclined person, and I feel very deeply, and give my feelings from a very deep place in myself, so the lonely feeling feels so much more intense for me.
I've had my ups and downs with many people, and I realized that most of the people, including family, that I care about, are not willing to sacrifice for me the way that I would and do for them. It sucks. More importantly though, I think THEY suck. They are just unwilling to give of themselves without expecting something in return. Whereas my actions toward them were never informed by what I thought I would get back. One just loves for the sake of loving, am I right? I'm pretty sure that is the definition of
love.
I sat here thinking just how lonely it feels when you have nobody that is 100% in your corner no matter what. It kills. It's kill-ing me. There are way too many selfish people in the world now. If you have someone in your life that is there for you in your times of need, you should appreciate that and be thankful every single day.
Come to think of it, I've never really felt what it's like to be apologized to for wrongs done to me. Most people are too concerned with guarding themselves than making someone else feel better, and having a good relationship. Or maybe they just don't feel sorry. I guess that's obviously possible too. My mother would rather die than apologize to her daughter, who should only be respectful and not require such things of her. Being wrong is just not part of her vocabulary.
I did once have someone in my life, who gave their heart freely to me. Whom I think I can honestly say loved me. It was the most refreshing amazing thing. He was just, a very kind, honest person. I learned then, really, what love is, and what it is not. He's getting married now (thanks for the info, Lainey!). That was only slightly sarcastic. :) I think he may be having a child as well. I don't know though, I deleted my facebook so I don't have to see things like this. But, what a strange feeling. It's heartbreaking, but mostly because I want that for myself and I don't have it. I'm truly happy for him, I realize I'm just sad for me. Knowing love like that and then losing it, is the most torturous feeling because, there's a chance you may never find it again. I genuinely don't think I will, and that I need to get used to being alone. . . I will never get used to it.
This leads me to the purpose of this post. How come I always go off on a depressing tangent??
Well I'd like to do 12 days of crafts. 1. to occupy my time so I don't have to think of all the reasons I am alone. 2. so that I can give my crafts away to people and be a giving person. A giving person so that I will NEVER ever be in danger of being a selfish *sshole like 80% of the population. I will space it out over 36 days, so one craft complete every third day, hopefully. Then I will post the accomplishment.
Any suggestions for crafts that will be giftable?
melissa genco
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